Have you ever questioned Christianity? I have! So have many other MKs. Allow me to share with you something my youngest daughter wrote recently of her struggles. She is also an MK. She recounts that this occurred about a year ago when she was in Spain studying at Capernwray.
Right before I left for Spain I had a conversation with my sister. We were talking through some of the doubts that I had had already for many years concerning if God was in control and if He truly was a loving God why was there so much pain in the world.
I want to be very honest with you in the things I was thinking at that time. I also want you to know that God has only brought me closer to himself through these but it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. An entry in my journal said something to the effect of "I feel like my mind is a battleground with God on one side and Satan on the other and I hope with all my heart that God wins because I don't know what I would do if we don't come through this together."
So with that said some of the questions I was asking was, “Why did God let the world cause itself so much pain if He was Lord and in control He would be able to stop it? Christ didn't really have to come to earth to die because He didn't have to create the world in the first place so yes it was a sacrifice but the truth is we are still suffering. Why did God create Satan when He knew what the outcome would be?"
I was studying at a Bible school when these questions came up and I was able to give an opposite thought and question to everything the teacher said no matter how knowledgeable he was. There was always a new doubt that came up with each new teaching.
Why is it that at the times when I have had many questions, people I respect and look up to for wisdom have seemingly let me down. Often I think they haven't really thought through some of the issues that come up when one is young and for the first time out in the world and having to make their faith their own. I think in high school we are taught to believe everything we hear but then we hit the real world and we question everything especially our faith.
At the time I found my comfort in the Psalms because David went through exactly the same stuff and yet he above everyone else in Scripture was called a friend of God. He shared ideas, pain, laughter every emotion under the sun with God and God let him rage and then run to Him.
There are verses like 55:1.. “Listen to my prayer, O God do not ignore my plea, hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught.” If you go on to verse 6 he says he wants to escape (I assume he means his thoughts) and fly to a place of peace and shelter where the storm in his mind cannot reach him. There is another spot were he says “I am in anguish.” That word described exactly how I felt at the time. The pain and confusion was so deep I couldn't even cry out – it had taken such a deep root in my soul. Psalm 13 says “How long O Lord, will you forget me forever? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart.”
Finally one day I couldn't stand it any longer I went down to the beach and it was a grey stormy day exactly matching my heart and I sat and cried and I told the Lord that this was it! I would walk off that beach either turning my heart from Him forever or I would walk off knowing that He was my only hope and salvation. It was no longer about my wisdom or knowledge or intellect. I think when we go to college we are bombarded by knowledge and we can become caught up in trying to be able to explain everything but the truth is, faith cannot be explained, it can and must, to be real, be believed. Christ, when He was talking to the disciples after Thomas asked to see His hands says blessed even more are those who have not seen and yet believe I think He was talking to the intellectuals. People who constantly analyze and think things through (which there is nothing wrong with) that Paul talks of working through your faith in fear and trembling but you have to fight for it it's not going to be easy but it is worth everything in the world like the parable about the man who sold everything to buy the field where he had found a treasure. I realized that if I wanted to have my faith and step out on my walk with the Lord that it would be a battle but that He is faithful and He will fight right along side me.
To carry on my story, I prayed and cried for the Lord to give me peace and to take away my doubts. I told Him that I didn't need to know all the answers – that it was enough for me to know that He was good, that He knew His plan for the world and that what I could see was only a small picture. 1Corinthians 2:16 says “For who has known the mind of the Lord that He may instruct Him?” Right then the sky opened up and a sunbeam hit me directly and I fell asleep feeling like I was wrapped up in the warm and assuring arms of my Saviour. I slept for about 20 minutes when a Scripture verse started to run through my mind.
"Awake O sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you." I woke up and I'm not kidding – every doubt that had plagued my mind was gone. I watched and waited over the next several days to see if they would come up but they never did. He was incredibly faithful to me. The verse comes to mind “…you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” That was certainly true for me. I began to find verses that seemed right from the lips of God. He was faithful and He was giving me a glimpse of how big and how awesome He really is. Scripture verses that I had skipped over in the Psalms because they had no apparent meaning for me just a few short days before jumped out at me for the first time. There were verses like those found in Ps 40 and 42:5,7,1 and 51:10-12 and 57:7-11. I felt on fire, like He was revealing the mysteries of the universe specifically to me. David felt the same in Psalm 39:3-8. His heart burned within him.
I don't know if any of this has spoken to you. My intent was not at all to preach but the share what God has so faithfully shared with me. I have referenced so much scripture because, honestly, it is the only place you can turn for the truth. Everything else you read is man's perspective – but what you are looking for is God's and if it wasn't true it wouldn't be in there.
Hopefully this isn't too overwhelming. It just really spoke to me that you where going though what I went through so intensely a year ago and I think all of us do to some level all our lives I think it is part of the make up that the Lord has put in us to never be content always wanting to learn more. Please if you have any more questions or anything let me know. I certainly don't have all the answers or even very many at this point. All I can do is share what I’ve learned. Seek Him and He will be faithful. It's his nature. God Bless.